Give your bro an LGBT shirt, tell him it means “Let’s Get Bitches Tonight,” Laugh as he accidentally makes the world a better place to live

— H. Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) April 4, 2012

You say “tomato,” I say “I really wish you’d stop naming fruits, we’re in the middle of planning Dad’s funeral.”

— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) April 2, 2012

People always say meat comes from innocent animals, but how do you know a steak didn’t come from a cow that was rapist?

— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) February 3, 2012

Drank like CRAZY last night. Stomach feels terrible. Till I feel better I’m sticking to these pretzels from Snyder’s of Hangover.

— Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) March 15, 2012

I’m going to start calling my testicles “horses.” That way when anyone says “Hold your horses” I’ll have something fun to do.

— Jeff Rosie (@JeffRosie) June 9, 2011

u ever…choke the monkey? slap the chicken? stroke the snake? ya know…get banned from the zoo for abusing the animals

— Andrew Bee (@AndyBridgman) March 19, 2012

Looked it up and microwave minutes and sex minutes are in fact longer than other minutes

— Dan Gurewitch (@DanGurewitch) February 25, 2012

PARTY PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT / HEADING HOME TO WATCH DOWNTON ABBEY BY THEMSELVES

— Will Stephen (@will_stephen) April 1, 2012

I’d like to see Mythbusters tackle the effectiveness of water-cup sanitizing a beer pong ball.

— Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) March 30, 2012

Sleep is good for you, in that it lets your body know when to stop eating dinner & start eating breakfast.

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) January 20, 2012

In an effort to cut down on the amount of coffee I drink, I’ve decided to be less productive.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) April 1, 2012

Whether it’s relativity, gravity, or evolution, the greatest human thought was followed or preceded by being horny, hungry or having to pee.

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) March 30, 2012