Since 2000, bears have been responsible for 34 human deaths in North America. Sharks have only been responsible for 13, and some of those are debatable. Eric Reichard’s death is included in that statistic, but, officially, he drowned after his diving regulator fell out of his mouth during a fight with a shark. There’s a difference. Surfer Courtney Marcher is listed as a shark death, but there’s no hard evidence and she had a history of epilepsy. Every person that was killed by a bear was killed by a bear. Bear’s don’t get assists from the ocean.

Obviously, it takes more than efficient human-eating to make for a great week of television. Bears aren’t even the number-one human killers. Mosquitoes take that trophy. Even deer kill more humans per year than bears and sharks, simply by wandering into traffic. Maybe you could get a malaria special or highway dangers documentary out of that, but I’m already bored. I want Discovery Channel shows about an animal that is both murderous and adorable. I want Bear Week.

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