The August issue of Cosmo asked just over 2,600 guys to rate 50 different sex moves. Cosmo has a pretty solid record of giving women advice so bad it would fix Tiger Woods's golf game, so you'd think going to actual guys for answers would produce extremely good responses. But, Cosmo didn't ask just any guys: "we went straight to the source, 2,603 horny guys.”

Bad choice. Horny guys are morons and are inclined to say that they're turned on by just about anything.

A study at Berkeley found that when not aroused, 13% of men think it could be fun to have sex with someone who is extremely fat. When aroused, the number jumped to 24%, an 85% increase. There was a 55% increase in men who found shoes erotic when aroused; a 75% increase in men who could see themselves having sex with another man; a 229% increase in men who could find a 60 year old attractive; a 100% increase in men who could find a 12 year old girl attractive; and, a 167% increase in the number of men who would be down for bestiality.

In order to understand what will actually work on your guy, not just what weird shit he'll say he's in to while in heat, we have to dig just a little deeper than Cosmo's analytical model of (no lie) Smiley Face/Sad Face, represented after each move.

The moves are broken down into six categories: Seduction, Kissing, Foreplay, Oral, Sex, and Naughty Bonus Moves. (Cosmo does not specify how to unlock the bonus moves.)

Seduction

1. Calling him while you're masturbating, giving him a preview of the moans you're going to make later that night.

It'll be a turn on at the time. But potentially a huge disappointment when he comes over later and you've already worn yourself out. You get mad when he finishes early, so think how pissed he'll be when you're done before he even shows up.

2. Asking him to give you a lap dance.

Giving you a lap dance isn't really a turn on for us, but if we're indifferent and you think you'll like it, we'll go for it. The problem is about a minute into the routine, it'll be pretty clear it doesn't do anything for you either, and now it's just a game of awkward chicken, seeing who caves in first.

3. Putting on a playlist of slow love songs to set the mood. :-/

The music won't really be a turn for men in and of itself. But the subtext of "hey handsome, you're totally getting laid tonight," that's something we really like to hear, even if it's Enya saying it.

4. Putting on a playlist of rap and hip-hop songs to set the mood.

"Damn homey, in high school you was the man homey. The f*ck happened to you?" The horny Cosmo men get this one right. Pretty much the last thing we want to hear during sex is 50 Cent talking about how he sodomizes other men. It gets us jealous.

5. Drawing a bubble bath and offering to wash his body before you have sex.

A bubble bath sounds sexy, but the cramped space makes shower sex look easy. This is just going to result in a lot of sloshing and a wet bathroom floor that you'll expect us to clean up because you “went to the trouble of drawing the bath.”

6. Taking his hand and pressing it against your underwear so he can feel how horny you are.

Nothing wrong here. …Except that it's mislabeled. If this is seduction, what the hell is foreplay?

7. Decorating the bed with rose petals and lighting a bunch of candles. :-/

Men don't really care about stock romantic props like this. But, candle light is extremely flattering. When you look good, we're happy. Even better, when you look good, you're happy, and that makes you more confident, which leads you to do more things that make us happy. Everybody wins, especially us.

Kissing

8. Lightly licking along his jawline, ending at the supersensitive spot in front of his ears.

We're generally in favor of your mouth doing a little exploring. Just try not to make a mess, keep your spit in your mouth and all that.

9. Running your tongue back and forth along the roof of his mouth. :-/

This isn't jump-out-of-bed-and-run-straight-through-the-door freaky. But, it is sit-here-quietly-and-wonder-how-you-never-learned-how-to-kiss weird.

10. Biting down on his earlobe.

Proof that horny guys lack reading comprehension. A light nibble can be stimulating, but "biting down" sounds more like you're one step away from getting a tribal tattoo on your face.

11. Biting down on his tongue.

Well, now we've gone from Mike Tyson to Hannibal Lector. This is such a bad idea that Cosmo might as well have suggested biting down on his penis (spoiler alert).

12. Taking his tongue into your mouth and lightly sucking on it like you would his penis.

Sucking on it like you would his penis? You mean…begrudgingly?

13. Giving him a hickey.

If you're trying to get your guy to finally leave his wife, this could do the trick.

14. Kissing his ear and then blowing on it. :-/

This should have gotten the same Smiley Face rating as the licking his jawline up to his ear thing, they're pretty similar. Maybe the horny Cosmo men have gotten bored being asked about candles and kissing and just want to move on.

15. Biting his lower and upper lips—hard.

If the idea of getting bit "hard" is arousing to the majority of guys surveyed, then yeah, they're just getting bored with the questions.

Foreplay

16. Pouring hot wax all over his chest.

All over his chest? ALL OVER HIS CHEST?! Are you freaking crazy?! Some guys might be in to a little drip, but you've skipped foreplay and jumped straight in to aggravated battery.

17. Drawing circles around his nipples with your tongue so they get hard—then gently biting them.

Your mouth is moving downward, and you're not ripping off pieces of our flesh with your teeth? Yeah, that's pretty cool.

18. Licking the sensitive skin behind the crook of his knees and elbows.

The elbow pit is pretty neutral territory, but the knee pit? It's awkward to get to, a little bit sweaty, we might fart on your face, and we're worried that you've bypassed happyland.

19. Twisting his nipples with your fingers.

Calling Tokyo, come in Tokyo. Yeah, you don't like it either.

20. Putting your palm over the tip of his penis and massaging just that area, like it's a doorknob.

Like it's a doorknob? …Everybody gets a turn?

21. Giving him a hand job and barely using any pressure, so you have a light grip on his penis.

This is fine, so long as you realize this is in the foreplay column and doesn't count as sex.

22. Tickling him from head to toe.

"So, here's what I'm thinking, babe. I'm going to run my hands all over your body, but in a way that's completely unsexy, pretty damn awkward, and will become oddly painful after a few minutes. How's that sound?"

Oral

23. Grabbing his butt cheeks and digging in with your nails as you're going down on him.

Horny guys have a very short memory. They read "as you're going down on him" and immediately forget that you're "digging in" to his flesh. Please don't mess up our butts, we have to sit on those things later.

24. Gently biting his penis. It's a tie!

This really comes down to how you interpret "gently" and "biting." Light, intermittent contact between tooth and penis? Some guys will like that. But, "gently biting" the way you "gently bite" a banana? As in all the way through the flesh? No, that is not okay.

25. Putting the tip of your tongue against the roof of your mouth so his penis hits the underside of your tongue—making it feel like you're taking him all the way in.

There's no way guys actually responded that they want this. We don't want to be tricked during sex, and we certainly don't want to know that you're cutting corners in the beej department. But, the truth is that if the guy doesn't know what you're doing, this will probably work. The penis might be very sensitive, but it's also very stupid.

26. Gently nibbling on his balls.

The hobbits are not for eating!

27. Sucking the patch of skin between the base of his penis and his balls.

If you find a patch of skin between the base of his penis and his balls, you're lost.

28. Tugging down on his balls while you have his penis in your mouth.

You know all that "don't neglect the balls" talk? Yeah, we actually just made that up to see if you'd do it. We really don't care.

29. Asking him to finish on your breasts.

The key part of asking him to finish on your breasts is not the breasts. It's the fact that you're asking him to finish. You've given up. If you're going to wave the white flag, might as well ask him to throw in the towel, if you know what I mean.

30. Keeping his penis in your mouth after his climaxes, and continue to suck on it lightly.

This isn't a Judd Apatow movie. There isn't going to be a musical number during the credits.

31. Kissing his lips immediately after you finish going down on him. :-/

There are three types of guys out there. The first type is the most common, the guy who really doesn't want to kiss you immediately after oral, because that's pretty gross (and kinda gay). Then, there's the guys who realize if they were flexible enough, they'd suck their own dicks, and that's not any more gay than masturbating. Then, there's the third group, who realize they'd suck their own dicks if they could, but they can't, so the idea isn't gay, but kissing you after oral is still pretty gross.

Sex

32. Getting on top and telling him not to move a single muscle—you control the pacing while he sits back and watches.

Hold on…you're going to do all the work? Is it our birthday? What are you up to? …Did you scratch the car?

33. Demanding that he scream your name midsex.

This is a lot of pressure to spring on us mid-coitus. If we get it wrong, we are in for a world of trouble. Can't we just scream out a nickname? Maybe pretend we're playing Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader and let us copy from the kid next to us?

34. Reaching between your legs and massaging his balls during doggy style.

You can support yourself with just the one hand? That's pretty impressive …but maybe too impressive. Don't want your guy feeling like a wimp.

35. Biting his shoulder hard enough to leave teeth marks when you're in missionary. :-/

The strength of the bite is a bit much, but at least you had the good sense to pick an area that's not particularly sensitive. If it's Ben Roethlisberger, just dig in and ruin his shoulder.

36. Massaging your clitoris as he's thrusting, bringing yourself to the brink of orgasm.

Hold on. …You girls can stop masturbating that close to orgasm? That's some sort of zen mastery there. Follow up question. Why would you?

37. Flexing your Kegel muscles while he's inside you, squeezing each time he reenters you.

Reentry? Honey, if he's pulling all the way out between thrusts, he's try to play "Wrong Hole." …So yeah, keep flexing your Kegel muscles just to be safe.

38. Digging your nails into his shoulders and raking them down his back when he's on top, leaving red marks.

If we're on top, you can't see our backs to tell if you're leaving marks. And, come to think of it, neither can we.

39. Leaning over the arm of the couch and asking him to enter you from behind.

Usually when I enter a girl from behind, it means the other guys have racked up more points.

Naughty Bonus Moves

40. Handcuffing him to the bed without saying a word.

Right, because a lack of communication makes everything better. How about a quick chat before you handcuff him instead? Maybe asking something like, "Honey, do you need to pee?"

41. Kissing his butt check and gently biting it.

What? How did you end up in back? Where you looking for the space between his shaft and his balls?

42. Bringing a vibrator to bed and asking him to use it on your clit, then running it against the underside of his balls and shaft.

Want us to use your vibrator on you? Yeah, nothing at all wrong with—hey! Just where the hell is this thing going?

43. Calling him "daddy" during sex.

This is only a turn on with your actual father.

44. Asking him to spank your butt.

When you hear guys talking about how they want to "hit dat ass," they actually mean penetration, and somehow, they don't necessarily mean your ass.

45. Spanking his butt with a spatula.

Kitchen utensils are for cooking! Do you know why people like stainless steel appliances? Because they look super clean. People like to know that where their food is coming from is sanitary. We don't like our spatulas wandering out of the kitchen for any reason at all, and certainly don't want it on our butts!
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