Incident Summary:

I'm not an asshole. I swear to god I'm not. But I was sitting in first class today when "the incident" happened. In fact, it was my first time in first class and since you can probably look at the records and figure it out anyway, yes, I didn't pay for a first class seat. I was upgraded for free. The woman at the counter said it was something to do with an oversold flight and space and my "nice face" but I think it had more to do with the way I looked in my new jeans. They're Armani! I found them on the sale rack at Marshalls. And for those of you who know Marshalls, yes, getting an item on sale at Marshalls is the ultimate discount. It's like finding a hooker that pays you for sex. But back to the incident…

Let me start from the beginning. I got on the plane and the flight attendant offered me a drink before we even took off! After a brief conversation, I learned about the greatest perk of first class, the drinks are free and you get as many as you want. I got a jack and coke. Delicious. (And free) So I started to formulate a plan. This flight cost me 300 bucks and I'm about to get all that money back. Now I realize this might not be something you want to hear. You have a business to run. I understand that. But you've got to see things from where I'm sitting… and on this day I was sitting in first class. So after about five minutes a guy gets on the plane and sits down next to me and without a word from the flight attendant he ordered a screwdriver with no ice. I thought…this guy's obviously been here before.

The stewardess brought us our drinks…that's right I called her a stewardess. And don't start telling me that's politically incorrect because I already know that. In fact, that's why I said it. I fly first class now. I can do what I want. So we're drinking our drinks and watching the rest of the passengers walk by to their seats in coach. What an amazing feeling! Each time a passenger walked by I could see the envy in their eyes and I swear to you it actually made my drink taste better. It was like their envy was fermented into some delicious jealousy tears liquor and now I was drinking it.

Once everyone finally got on the plane the stewardess made an announcement that we were just waiting on one more passenger and then we would be ready to go…early. Everything
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